My Child Has Told Me They Are Transgender!
Your child may have just told you that they are transgender. You might have been wondering if something has been worrying them for a while, or the announcement might have come as a bolt out of the blue. Perhaps they have yet to ‘come out’ but somehow you know that they are trans and want to offer your support. Whatever the reasons are that have bought you to this page, you are probably looking for information, support or understanding – and possibly all three.
Most parents/caregivers assume that their children will grow up in the gender identity that matches the sex they were assigned at birth and won’t have been expecting to hear this news from their child. Even if you are absolutely fine with your child being transgender, you probably have questions and perhaps concerns. If you are finding it difficult to adjust to the idea that your child is transgender, EGAL is here to support you.
Again you will find our resources helpful – particularly realizing that some of your feelings and reactions are similar to those of other parents.
When your child is born, they are assigned a gender. But that gender may not necessarily be the one they identify with as they grow up.
Gender identity is something that children begin to explore almost immediately. It can be seen in the types of clothing they like to wear, the activities they partake in, the way they behave or who they want to spend time with.
It’s very normal for young people to experiment with gender identity as they get older – wearing clothing or makeup not expected of their sex.
Gender dysphoria can occur when a child becomes distressed that the gender they identify with is different to the one they were assigned at birth.
It’s important to note: not all gender diverse children will have “gender dysphoria”. Some are very comfortable expressing their true gender identity but it can become a problem if they experience bullying or discrimination in school or other public settings.
When they decide to open up to you…
If your child tells you that they are transgender, take a few seconds before reacting. Let their words sink in and observe their face and body language.
Is their foot tapping? Have they wrapped their arms around themselves? Do they look fearful of your reaction?
What you say next could have a massive impact on their self-esteem. Here are some tips that will help this time in your life go as smoothly as possible:
1. Acknowledge their courage
Coming out can be one of the most daunting and terrifying moments of a person’s life so take a moment to acknowledge the courage they’ve shown in taking you into their trust.
While you’re entitled to space and time to process your own reaction, the first thing you should do is thank them for telling you and reassure them that you love them and are here whenever they need you.
2. Be curious, not judgemental
If your initial reaction to their coming out is disbelief or devastation, try to keep it from your child.
Instead of judging what they’ve told you, ask them questions. For example, ‘When did you first start feeling like this?’, ‘What does it mean to you to be transgender/non-binary/etc.?’, ‘What pronouns would you like us to use?’, ‘How can we help you feel like your most authentic self?’
3. Get professional help if required
If you are blindsided by what your child has told you and don’t feel emotionally equipped to handle a revelation of this scale, it’s okay. Let them know that you’re glad they told you but that you need help coming to terms with it.
Reassure them that they haven’t done the wrong thing in opening up but that you’d like to talk to a therapist, doctor or family counsellor (alongside them) to figure out the next steps together.
4. Broaden your knowledge of LGBTQ+ terminology
You’re not expected to know everything right away. However, if you’re feeling nervous about getting things wrong or don’t fully understand where your child is coming from, don’t live in ignorance.
Educate yourself on the language and terminology used in the LGBTQ community. Watch TED Talks about gender identity and parenting a gender non-conforming child like this one by Michele Yulo.
5. Do the research with them
If your child is expressing a desire to have hormone treatment or one day, surgery, it is vital that you know the score. While your initial reaction might be to bury your head in the sand, this could damage your relationship and will only increase your anxiety if they decide to go ahead with treatment without your support.
Research the matter with them and make sure they are 100% aware of the risks and side effects involved in any hormonal or surgical treatment. If they know you are with them every step of the way, they may be more inclined to listen to your advice and weigh up the decision with a calm and clear mind, rather than one mired in guilt or turmoil.
6. Find parent support groups
As much as you may want to be ‘woke’ or ‘cool’ about what your child is telling you, it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Shock, grief, confusion, disbelief and anger are common emotions among many parents of transgender children.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Trans visibility has never been higher and, if you look for it, you will find support and other parents who will identify strongly with what you’re going through.
Being kind to yourself will make it easier to be kind to your child and the rest of your family.
Organizations Supporting LGBTQ+ Youth
American Institutes for Research (AIR)
AIR’s Health and Social Development program works with a range of youth-serving systems and agencies to improve policies, services, and care for LGBTQ youth. This site offers a range of related resources and technical assistance information.
American Psychological Association (APA) APA provides fact sheets, best practices and other resources for supporting LGBTQ youth. See the Resolution on Gender and Sexual Orientation Diversity in Children and Adolescents in Schools adopted by APA and NASP.
Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) COLAGE unites people with LGBTQ parents into a network of peers and supports them as they nurture and empower each other to be skilled, self-confident, and just leaders in our collective communities.
Family Acceptance Project (FAP) FAP is a research initiative that helps support the mental well being of LGBTQ youth, parents and families. This site offers training, up to date information and publications to help students of different cultures and religions.
Family Equality Council (FEC) FEC works at the local, state and federal level to provide current information as well as equality maps to inform people about the LGBT movement. They also provide family stories and an online forum, “Ask the Experts.”
Find Youth Info (LGBTQ Youth from the U.S. Government) Find Youth Info is an organization that connects youth to useful programs to help promote their wellbeing. It provides publications, briefs, guides and video podcasts on LGBT youth related topics.
Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) GLAAD uses different sorts of media platforms to increase LGBTQ awareness. They offer publications, resource kits, media training as well as a resource lists with information based on the major LGBTQ qualifiers.
Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) GLSEN is an organization that conducts research, partners with decision makers and other educational organizations to improve school climate for LGBTQ students. They provide year-round programs, educator resources and information on current policies.
Human Rights Campaign (HRC) HRC is a human rights campaign that focuses on ending discrimination of LGBTQ individuals. HRC offers resources on various topics including: school resources for LGBT parents, resources on cyber bullying, and transgender issues in the K-12 system.
Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund Lambda Legal is an organization that strives to help LGBTQ students in school, increase HIV awareness and challenge police and criminal justice. They also provide information on individual rights, LGBTQ legal cases and offer a Legal Help Desk.
National Workgroup to Address the Needs of Children and Youth Who Are LGBTQI2-S and Their Families The Child, Adolescent and Family Branch ensures mental wellness and promotes the well-being for children at risk of having an emotional or behavioral disturbance. They provide technical assistance and mental health resources to families and youth.
Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) PFLAG is an organization that supports, educates and advocated for LGBTQ youth. They provide resources to children, families, friends and allies. Resources include: regional events, various programs, an online newsroom and outreach tools.
Project 10 Project 10 work with other LGBT organizations to ensure that all public schools are in accordance to federal legislation that support LGBTQ students. They provide resources for educators, school administrations, scholarships for students and other information for school staff.
Trans Youth Equality Foundation (TYEF) TYEF is a non-profit organization in Portland, Maine dedicated to providing support and advocacy for trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming youth and their families nationwide.
Trevor Project The Trevor project is non-profit organization that works to end suicide in the LGBTQ population. They offer a 24/7 hotline, crisis counseling, educational resources and advocacy to help reduce risk factors for suicidal youth.