My Child Has Told Me They Are Gay

“Your daughter or son may have just told you that she/he is lesbian, gay or bisexual. You might have been wondering about their sexuality for a while, or the announcement might have come as a bolt out of the blue. Perhaps they have yet to ‘come out’ but somehow you know that they are gay and want to offer your support.

Whatever the reasons are that have bought you to this page, you are probably looking for information, support or understanding – and possibly all three.

Most parents assume that their children will grow up to be heterosexual. They won’t have thought that one day they would hear the words ‘ Mum. Dad. I’ve got something to tell you. I’m gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc….!’

Even if you are absolutely fine with your child being lesbian, gay or bisexual, you probably have questions and perhaps concerns. If you are finding it difficult to adjust to the idea that your daughter or son is lesbian, gay or bisexual, EGAL is here to support you.

Having the sense that your child might be LGBTQIA+ can be a new experience, which can come with questions or concerns about what this means for them or your family.

1. “COMING OUT” CAN HAPPEN AT ANY AGE

There’s no one way to be queer, and someone’s identity can evolve over time. After all, no one’s the same person at 30 as they were at 10! So it’s important to note that many LGBTQIA+ people can realise their identity – or at least a part of their identity – at a very young age, and that their identity can change. And as a result, people can come out multiple times in their lives!

Everyone’s journey is different, and coming out can occur at any age. Some LGBTQIA+ people realise their identity as early as primary school, while some people don’t realise or feel comfortable sharing their identity well into the later years of their life.

The important thing to remember, is that a person’s identity is up to them. Try to avoid assumptions based upon how they act or talk – unless they tell you, you likely don’t know for sure.

“(Our daughter) announced it to her classmates before she announced it to us. She told her class when she was seven, so in grade one, that she wanted to be a girl. We just talked about it over the years, and then when she got to her tenth birthday she decided that she was sick of living a lie and wanted to be with her as a girl.” Tara

2. GIVE THEM SPACE, THEY MIGHT NEED TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT

Sexuality or gender identity can take a while to figure out, especially if you’re young and lacking the vocabulary or knowledge to flesh it out. Your child might want to chat about it one day, then refuse the next day.

If they need a little bit of space, that’s okay! Just remember to signal your support of them.

3. READ LGBTQIA+ ARTICLES TO STAY UP TO DATE – ESPECIALLY IF THEY GIVE THAT CONTENT TO YOU!

Brushing up on your knowledge of LGBTQIA+ identities will help give you the tools and knowledge to support your child if they do come out to you. This is a perfect time to brush up on your knowledge of LGBTQIA+ identities.

Make an effort to begin educating yourself, especially if that content is suggested by your child. In fact, this is a tip we often suggest to the youth when broaching the subject – giving your parents or family articles to read can be a good way to “test the waters”. Actively reading, and engaging with that content immediately signals to your child that you support them and their identity.

“If they ask you to read a book or a piece of material or watch something, please do! It really does help, and helps to get an understanding of what they’re going through.” – Felix

4. SIGNAL YOUR SUPPORT OF THEM AND LGBTQIA+ IDENTITIES

While you’re giving space to your child to figure out their own identity, there are ways you can help them feel more comfortable. Signalling your support of the LGBTQIA+ community can help feel confident that you’ll be also supportive of them.

If your child brings up LGBTQIA+ issues or identities, respond positively and respect what they’re saying.

You could also make positive and supportive comments when you see an LGBTQIA+ story on the news, or a plot in a TV show or movie.

• “Isn’t it great to see so much representation in the movies now.”
• “Wow, Schitt’s Creek really does nail this LGBTQIA+ storyline!”
• “This is a really important news story, I’m glad it’s getting the attention it deserves.”

And of course, this can apply to anything in your life that might be relevant. Interesting Lunch n’ Learn at work featuring a LGBTQIA+ speaker? Could be a positive approach.

“I had absolutely no idea before she came out that my daughter was gay! She had been talking about sexuality and gender issues for a while as some of her friends in her class were exploring issues of sexuality and gender. Looking back, I can see she was testing the waters and I am so grateful that my husband and I had made it clear that we were supportive.” – Cheryl

5. DON’T ASSUME IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT

Just about every parent we chatted while creating these resources had one experience in common: that as parents, you want to look after your children, and protect them from harm. It’s universal!

It can be easy to assume, and fear, that being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community means your child’s going to have a tough time. After all, that’s what some movies, TV shows and the news have told us for years. But loads of things have changed and, while individual experiences vary wildly, by no means is your child destined for hardship.

You might have your child’s best interests at heart, but remember not to dismiss or reject their experience. Similarly, don’t tell them that their life will be difficult, and plant that expectation in their mind.

Positivity is key, and your respect and support will do absolute wonders. You’re reading this article, so you’re already off to a great start!

  Available on AMAZON….

     “My Child is Gay, How Parents React when they Hear the News”

By Bryce McDougall

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2006 Bryce McDougall
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74175-124-6